Home At Last
by Deonne
Summary: Bella is already a vampire, but is still treated like a little girl. Sometimes appearances matter, but should they matter when it comes to the heart? A FAGE for Cruiz107.
1. Chapter 1

**FAGE 10: Reborn**

 **Title: Home At Last**

 **Written for: M Crystal Cruiz/Cruiz107**

 **Written By: Deonne**

 **Rating: M, just to be careful. Heavy on the angst…**

 **Summary/Prompt used: Bella is already a vampire, but is still treated like a little girl. Sometimes appearances matter, but should they matter when it comes to the heart?**

 **If you would like to see all the stories that are a part of this exchange visit the facebook group:** **Fanficaholics Anon: Where Obsession Never Sleeps, or add the C2 to get all the stories direct to your inbox.**

community/FAGE-Reborn/113100/

I have a privilege that I don't think anyone else has been given. I have been given another chance to gift something to a previous recipient. Last year I wrote a very grown up sexy story, this year I got to try something I very rarely do… emotional and heart-breaking angst. If you have ever read anything of mine, I stay away from angst as much as possible.

Thank you to the amazingly wonderful, stupendously super talented Mama4dukes for taking my crazy writing into something that I have very little doubt would have worked out as it has. You my dear I bow down and profusely thank you.

To Mariecarro Vanadesse; your artistic work is amazing, and I thank you so much for making the banner for this story. I have no clue how all the amazing artists that you do and I am beyond thankful for illustrating such a great banner for this story.

Chapter 1.

I wanted him to see me, not just as the girl he saved, but as the mate we both knew I was. Having been changed when I still looked like a teen was painful when your mate was meant to be in his early twenties in our society. Well, no, that's not completely true. In our true society, it didn't matter, but since we _lived in_ the human community as we did… well, let's just say it would have been frowned upon. I hated it.

Neither of us were happy, and if it wasn't for the pain it would cause, I'd have probably left so long ago. Sure we could go for a week or two before the pain would start to grow, but compared to the pain I had for the constant rejection, I wasn't sure which was worse. My heart shattered at each new location we moved to, knowing he would get romantically involved with someone, yet I was not allowed to date until I was finished with high school.

The double standard was not lost on me, considering every time I was to graduate, we were already on the hunt for the next place to play family.

I had tried so many things to get him to change his mind-from dressing to match his age, wearing skimpy lingerie, and even walking around in nothing but a towel while the rest of the family were off hunting. My sisters had even tried to help me, giving me makeover after makeover. Nothing we did ever bent his strong willed conviction.

"Isabella, it'll happen. I've seen it. I don't know when, but it will happen." Alice sighed as I sat on the window ledge, half out of it.

"It doesn't matter. All I'll ever be is the daughter. I could handle being someone who was only recognised at home, but even here I know I'm nothing more than a daughter to be beyond protective over. In every house we live in and each town we move to, I watch him as he dates these women. Every time I wish it were me, but the fact is, it never will be." I sighed, thanking every deity that I could block my thoughts, feelings and decisions from my family.

"You're blocking me again. I don't know what you're thinking, but it won't help." She smiled as she reached to pull me from my seat on the ledge.

"I'm blocking everyone Alice. I want to think, feel, and do what's best for me. I can't do that if you, Jasper and Edward can interfere with where I see it going. Besides, once I make a decision, I may not even go through with it." I hugged her softly before I walked out of the room and down the hall.

I walked down the hall taking in all the pictures from throughout the years we've been together as a family. There were those of just Edward and Carlisle when the two of them were brothers, traveling to heal those who couldn't afford medical attention. The stories Edward would tell me about those times were both happy and sad-his view of Carlisle never changing as his hero.

Then when Edward and Esme mated, the pictures showed a happy couple and a sad looking friend who tried to hide it. The age thing never worried Edward or Esme, but then again, there were only a few years difference between the two of them. I was there when they married, but left soon afterwards since they had decided to travel not long after they had claimed one another.

Soon afterwards, pictures of Rosalie and Emmett joined the wall. Their many weddings, and the destruction caused during their honeymoons, left no doubt they were suited for each other. They loved one another fiercely and protected those they cared for. Rose saw me as a little sister in every aspect of life. She hated that I was in pain when it could so easily be fixed if only he would see it.

Then you have images of when I joined the family after running into Edward and Esme once again while traveling. I felt the pull from the moment I set eyes on him, but while he knows what I am to him, I've yet to feel it as anything more than a one way thing. It hurt to know you truly were trapped with someone who didn't want you. Being typecast as the little sister of the family when you were older than most of the members, was not something easy to swallow.

It hurt more and more as they slowly began to act as if I were truly the youngest of us.

Lastly, when Jasper and Alice joined us, my hunt and conversation with Edward notwithstanding, the day we met the final members of our family had been interesting to say the least. Having the two strangers take over my room was not something I was happy about. Alice, not knowing or seeing me, had just assumed that it was a free room. Her reasoning that there were two of them and one of me, did not go down too well. In the end, I decided to build a small cottage for myself and let them have the room.

"Bella?" I flinched upon hearing his voice filled with love-just not the kind that I desperately wanted from him.

"Yes, Carlisle." I turned towards him, my smile firmly on my face.

I hadn't heard him when he came home, but I knew it wasn't while I was talking to Alice… I'd have felt his presence through the shared bond. I must have been lost in my memories for longer than I thought. Still, nothing would change.

"Is everything alright? You don't seem happy," he noted, his unease melting into his voice.

Nodding, I turned back to the pictures on the wall, only to wish I hadn't. The one straight in front of me was of the two of us-when playing his daughter was funny, and when I still held out hope that I'd be more than just the daughter he saw me as.

" _Come on, we need a daddy-daughter photo." Emmett laughed as he held up the Polaroid camera as the rest of the family herded us together._

 _We stood there waiting for them to settle. Carlisle beside me with one arm slung across my shoulders. The electric hum between us making me hunger for time to stand still. A simple touch did that_ _,_ _and I could only imagine what it would mean if he kissed me. I'd probably have my second death if he'd ever touch me like I truly wanted him to._

" _Look at them. Are you ready to see your little girl off to her first year of school?" Edward smiled as I let him see into my head_ _,_ _begging him to smack Jasper for me. I didn't need the reminder of the physical difference between us._

 _It was too late though, Carlisle stepped aside slightly and removed his arm from around my shoulders. It was a good thing that I'd learnt to only let them see what I wanted them to. Vampiric life as it was, we were the best actors in the world._

" _Now you have your lunch money, and your phone. Remember no texting or sending nudes to anyone." Rose giggled and I couldn't help but laugh with her._

" _Damn, and here I thought sending it to the_ _principal_ _would be a good idea." I sighed, really hamming it up by kicking the ground._

" _Enough now. Jasper_ _,_ _you and Rose are taking her to school and then heading towards your own. Edward and Alice_ _,_ _you pick her up. Emmett you go_ _nowhere_ _near the school_ _._ _I can still remember hearing the poor janitor's heart stop for a few beats when you said you were from immigration." Carlisle shook his head before patting my shoulder and ushering me towards the cars._

"Nothing's changed Carlisle. I'm sure you would be the first to know." I sighed before heading towards the stairs and out the door. I needed time to think, away from all the happy vampires I shared my life with.

Running towards the trees I flung myself into their branches. Jumping from one to another, I knew I'd be able to travel relatively peacefully. Well, at least the rest of my family would let me be. My thoughts and feelings, however, were my constant companion.

In no time at all, I found where I wanted to just sit, and lost myself into the fantasy of Carlisle wanting me, of not feeling as if something was wrong with me. The rushing winds promised the biggest storm the area would see for the last year. I knew Emmett would demand a family game of baseball. He and Jasper would compete the hardest for who would catch the most impossible catch. In the end, it would come down to Edward beating both of them.

Esme would referee and Alice would pitch for everyone. As much as I loved my family, I just wasn't in the mood to play. It took only three seconds before my phone buzzed with Alice letting me know she would let the others know of my decision. I also knew to turn off my phone before Emmett or Edward would call to pester me to play with them.

Wishing I could cry, I finally gave into the emotions that wanted to rock my very being. I hated knowing that I would be nothing more than an unwanted being in his life-of smelling the women he would allow to drape themselves over him, of those who he would share his bed with. I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around me as something… someone he wanted. Daydreams and fantasies hurt more, knowing that you couldn't have the one thing you truly desired could bring you to your knees.

I could sympathise with Marcus of the Volturi; though at least he got to hold and love his mate. I wondered if his bond was as tattered as I felt mine was to Carlisle. The sudden pull cutting off, leaving your soul bereft of its other half, undoubtedly hurt. Even I knew that if it wasn't for one of the guard, he would have found a way to end his life. He was stronger than me in a way. He bore his pain as part of him while I hid mine.

I needed a break, time away from him to think-to come to terms completely of my role in his life. My want to desperately be part of his life was slowly destroying me. I knew I couldn't go to the Denali coven. They would contact Carlisle straight away, as would those in Ireland. While I still had friends who were nomadic in their lives, I also knew I would be tempted to feed from humans if I were to go back to that lifestyle. I only knew one coven that Carlisle wouldn't have contact with that would take me in without fear of slipping from my chosen diet.

My decision made, I headed back to the house to pack a bag. It wouldn't need to bring much since they lived in the Amazon forest. A few changes of clothes and a few portable chargers for my phone and I was ready. Knowing I couldn't leave without letting them know that I would be back, I snatched up a piece of paper and pen. Jotting down a few words explaining my need to get away, I looked towards the wall for one picture, grabbing it and putting it in my bag, I walked out the door, not knowing when I would be walking back in.


	2. Chapter 2

**FAGE 10: Reborn**

 **Title: Home At Last**

 **Written for: M Crystal Cruiz/Cruiz107**

 **Written By: Deonne**

 **Rating: M, just to be careful. Heavy on the angst…**

 **Summary/Prompt used: Bella is already a vampire, but is still treated like a little girl. Sometimes appearances matter, but should they matter when it comes to the heart?**

 **If you would like to see all the stories that are a part of this exchange visit the facebook group:** **Fanficaholics Anon: Where Obsession Never Sleeps, or add the C2 to get all the stories direct to your inbox.**

community/FAGE-Reborn/113100/

I have a privilege that I don't think anyone else has been given. I have been given another chance to gift something to a previous recipient. Last year I wrote a very grown up sexy story, this year I got to try something I very rarely do… emotional and heart-breaking angst. If you have ever read anything of mine, I stay away from angst as much as possible.

Thank you to the amazingly wonderful, stupendously super talented Mama4dukes for taking my crazy writing into something that I have very little doubt would have worked out as it has. You my dear I bow down and profusely thank you.

To Mariecarro Vanadesse; your artistic work is amazing, and I thank you so much for making the banner for this story. I have no clue how all the amazing artists that you do and I am beyond thankful for illustrating such a great banner for this story.

Chapter 2.

Six months. That how long I pushed our bond before I knew it was time to head back to the only family I knew. My time away had taught me so much about vampires, mates, gifts, and myself. I'd become more comfortable within with who I was, and was ready to be the real me, the one I lost when I became mated to the man I loved and hated within the same breath.

My gift had grown, in ways I never knew it would. Senna had helped me in realising it was more than just a shield. I'd learnt to push back to whoever it was what they were trying to do. She along with Zafrina had taught me to project back what was being pushed towards me. It was accidental of course, Zafrina had tried to push an image of my mate into my head with my blessing, yet with the growth I had found while away, I'd been able to see him for what he was instead of what I wanted.

In doing so I was able to push the image of Carlisle back and into her own head. We were both shocked and worried that more would try to twist my abilities to their gain, but we practiced, Zafrina with the mental attacks of my mate being harmed, while Senna would attack me physically. While I could still be hurt, the damage to myself would be reflected onto my attacker.

"Are you sure you can do this? You are more than welcome to stay." Zafrina smiled as she stood before me, watching as I packed my bag. Her smile frightening to those who did not know her, or understand that she and her coven had survived in the forest from the time they had turned. Sisters and more, in both this and their previous lives; they had lived within the trees since before the colonies had started to populate and encroach on the lands of their people.

"Yes, it's time. I need to face what my life as it is now. I can no longer be who they want me to be. If they cannot accept the real me, then maybe it will be time for me to travel once more as a nomad and only visit when the pull becomes too strong." I shrugged as I pushed in the small animal skin wrap that we had made from one of my first meals here.

"You have grown so much. Your mate would be a fool if he were to not accept you as you are." She smiled flashing her teeth. "And if he does not, let me know, and I'll show him how to be a real mate to a warrior."

I couldn't help but laugh, for all that Carlisle is… a fighter he is not.

"Take care of your own Zafrina." I smiled as she wrapped her long arms around me.

Having to act as if I were sleeping most of the flight and waking only when the attendant woke me, had made it easier to ignore the other passengers on the flight. There was no doubt that a few of them were battling their natural instinct of fight or flight as they approached. I could hear a few of them wondering if I were a child or some actress, as my passport stated I was twenty-two.

Fifteen hours after I had stepped onto the plane, I made my way down towards baggage claim where I thought most, if not all, of my family would be to meet me. I was surprised that while I could smell the family in general, it was only Carlisle who was standing there waiting. It made me both anxious and hopeful that what I had to say would be met with honesty.

"It's been a long time." He smiled, though it was obvious he wasn't sure how to take what now stood before him.

It was obvious that he expected to be met with the childlike persona that had been perfected over the years. Instead, I stood there in something far more appropriate for who I was now. Wearing my jaguar skin top and black denim jeans, I'd once more became comfortable with who I was and what I looked like.

"Carlisle, this definitely is a surprise." I smiled as I reached up to his shoulders only to pull him down to hug him to me, taking in his scent.

The smell automatically set my nerves at ease, something that I wasn't even concerned with before now. I felt him do the same, his shoulders dropping slightly as if he was now able to breathe once more. As I slowly pulled away, I felt his hand slide down towards my arm, and as much as I needed the contact and needed to feel him beside me in any form; I had to step away. I needed to be able to think-to let him know that this time things would be different.

"The family decided that it might be best if just I was here to meet you. Alice wasn't too happy, but she has learnt that things are not the same anymore." I nodded as we headed towards the doors, feeling his hand ghosting me, so close to touching but the actual contact missing.

"It might be for the best. There are some things that I need to say, both to you and the family. I'm sure a few people will be unhappy." I sighed as I felt him suddenly tense beside me.

"I'm just glad you're home. It's been an eye opening experience to say the least." His words sent my brain into turmoil. What had happened since I had left?

We left the short term parking bay, and headed towards the city, rather than facing the long drive home. With the weather speaking for itself, the rain was heavy and I'd already seen a few cars pull over to wait out the worst of this storm.

"Esme thought it best to book us into one of the hotels for a while, none of us wanted to draw attention to your return or ourselves." I nodded as I took in the hotel we had pulled into.

Esme had booked us into one of the bigger hotels, no doubt in penthouse rooms or something close to it. Following Carlisle into the elevator, I noticed that we stood at opposite sides of the small metal box. I cringed as my reflection showed just how I had lived these past few months. My hair, though clean, stood crazily as the curls that I had once cared for were knotted and resembled more a bird's nest than anything; however, it did go with the wild appearance of my clothes.

"Alice has laid out some clothes for you, so you could have a shower." He pointed towards the second bedroom, the one room where his scent didn't linger.

Walking into the room I noticed the outfit spread out before me. I couldn't stop the growl that built up in my throat. Once more it was expected that I would just fall into line and dress as a young child rather than how I wished to dress. As much as I loved my family, there was no way I was wearing anything bought for me without my consent anymore. Spinning on my heel, I strode towards where Carlisle stood tipping the bellhop and grabbed my bag.

I was sure his face would have been comical if I had thought to watch for his reaction to my sudden behaviour. Instead, I headed once more into the suite, this time heading towards Carlisle's rooms. I heard, as the door closed, the muttered curse of the bellhop as he walked back down towards the elevator.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice rang from the sitting area, no doubt realising that I wasn't in the room I was shown only minutes before.

"Carlisle, things are different. Call the rest of the family. Once I've finished cleaning up a bit I'll be ready to talk." I left no room for arguments or questions as I closed the door. As my mate, he could and did have every right to follow me into the bathroom; however, he was still trapped in the role of father in his head, and not as a man with a woman who would willingly spend a few hours bare to him.

It took nearly thirty minute until my hair was once more tangle free, and for the mud and dirt I had accumulated to be washed down the drain. I'd heard each member of my family as they entered into the room, and Alice's shock at how her clothes were still sitting on the bed waiting for me. I felt nervous. I anticipated that this wouldn't be easy, but I also knew that for my own state of mind, I needed to be who I was now, and not the image they had wanted me to be.

Stepping out in the black leather pants and another animal skin top, I could feel the shock in the room. I watched as the different emotions spread across their faces. Shock was expected, but I did not expect the disgust I saw on Edward and Alice's faces, though they did try to hide it a little too late.

"Well, it seems someone went a little wild. I like it." Rose smiled as she walked over to hug me. if nothing more, I knew that I would have her, and by association Emmett on my side.

"Where have you been? You left with just a note saying you were going to visit friends. When we called the Denalis, they hadn't heard from you," Edward demanded, and while I was sure that somewhere in that head of his, it was meant to be concerning, all it did was show me that I was still viewed as a child within the family.

"Remember I am older than you both in physical years and time in this life Edward," I growled softly from my seat.

Everyone in the room froze, I had never growled or even raised my voice to any of them. So for them to see this new version of me shocked them to the core. I noticed as Edward, Emmett, and Jasper pulled their mates behind them, wary of what was happening to the once quiet member of the family.

"The only one who has any right to ask about my whereabouts for the past six months is standing right there," I pointed towards the table where Carlisle stood resting against its side, "and yet he stays quiet. And please, for all of our sanity, stop trying to see into my head. It's something you will never get to do unless I decide to allow you to." I sighed and stood, walking towards the large glass windows.

I needed to open them, I needed to know I wasn't being stuffed into the role I had lived for many years. My eyes fell on the water in the distance, the storm having made the waves larger than usual for this time of year.

"I've spent time with friends from before I joined this family in Brazil and Peru. And before you ask, no, I did not slip." I groaned as I knew the next question any of them would have asked.

"But you're back now, right? I mean you're not going to up and leave again, are you?" Emmett asked as he slowly pulled Rose to his side from behind him, knowing that his mate would have just walked around him if she truly wanted to.

"Yes I'm back." I smiled as they all relaxed their stances.

"So then where are we off to next? What schools do we get to play at again?" he asked, and then it was my turn to lock my body still.

"I'm not going back to school, Emmett," I stated before turning towards Carlisle.

I watched as he stopped breathing, his body also locked in place. I ignored the spluttering and childish whining coming from a few of the others. The only one who stood quietly watching was Esme, and from what I could read of her stance was that she was ready to fight with me, for what I wanted.

"You have to go to school Bella, you're the youngest of us." Alice chided as if I were truly a little kid.

"No Alice, she's not. Physically, only Esme and I are older than she is, and as for this life, only Jasper and myself can say we are older than her. Truthfully, you are the youngest in this family, and Emmett is as a vampire," Carlisle finally spoke, causing them all to quiet down.

"I was turned at the age of twenty-one, Alice, just before the 20th century, in 1898 to be precise." I watched as they all took in the information. I knew none of them knew my background other than that I'd met Edward and Esme when they needed a witness to their wedding. I also knew I hadn't told any of them my actual age or when I was turned.

"But that doesn't take away the issue of your appearance. I mean Carlisle is meant to be the upstanding adoptive father to a group of teens. How is he going to look if the youngest of us didn't go to school?" Edward asked as if stumping me.

I couldn't help it, I growled and pushed against the barrier in my head. I watched as he staggered against the sudden weight pushed against him.

"I am no child, Edward, and I refuse to act as if I were one," I growled out through clenched teeth. "I will not be told what I am to do and how to act, especially by a child who believes he is superior to me simply because he has the ability to read minds. Learn your place."

I could feel my eyes turning black as all the anger I had felt towards my situation once more came to the forefront of my mind. I felt as Jasper tried to calm me, only for it to not work. It wasn't often that he tried to manipulate my emotions, only when they grew out of control.

"Isabella, please. I'm sure we can talk about this another time. Maybe it would be a good time to hunt. I'm sure being on the plane wasn't the most comfortable way to spend your time." Carlisle hushed the others as he came to stand close enough to touch me, using his scent to help calm the more instinctual part of me down.

"For more years than I want to admit, I have allowed others to dictate my life, how I was to act, even how I was to dress. It stops now. If I catch you interfering with my choices or my wishes I will not hesitate to do the same with yours. I will only warn you once." I turned towards the door, realising that I'd never felt more resolved in my words than I did just with those few.


	3. Chapter 3

**FAGE 10: Reborn**

 **Title: Home At Last**

 **Written for: M Crystal Cruiz/Cruiz107**

 **Written By: Deonne**

 **Rating: M, just to be careful. Heavy on the angst…**

 **Summary/Prompt used: Bella is already a vampire, but is still treated like a little girl. Sometimes appearances matter, but should they matter when it comes to the heart?**

 **If you would like to see all the stories that are a part of this exchange visit the facebook group:** **Fanficaholics Anon: Where Obsession Never Sleeps, or add the C2 to get all the stories direct to your inbox.**

community/FAGE-Reborn/113100/

I have a privilege that I don't think anyone else has been given. I have been given another chance to gift something to a previous recipient. Last year I wrote a very grown up sexy story, this year I got to try something I very rarely do… emotional and heart-breaking angst. If you have ever read anything of mine, I stay away from angst as much as possible.

Thank you to the amazingly wonderful, stupendously super talented Mama4dukes for taking my crazy writing into something that I have very little doubt would have worked out as it has. You my dear I bow down and profusely thank you.

To Mariecarro Vanadesse; your artistic work is amazing, and I thank you so much for making the banner for this story. I have no clue how all the amazing artists that you do and I am beyond thankful for illustrating such a great banner for this story.

Chapter 3.

I followed her scent though the trees until I came across her sitting at the edge of the cliff. My family's and my reaction to her reappearance was not the most loving for sure. When she left the hotel, just as the sun set over the Puget Sound, I was sure she would have returned within an hour. To know that she had preferred to stay out in the rain, rather than be in the room with our family stung.

I would be the first to admit that I had pushed that role she so despised onto her, indivertibly changing who we were to one another. It became easier to push those feelings of longing for a child aside, and to see the love of a father and his child when I looked at her. When those urges and emotions started to show themselves, it was essential that I kept the role in society that I had painted myself into.

Dating those women allowed me a way to release the pent up frustration without breaking what society had deemed inappropriate. Did I want to pull her closer when she stood beside me? Of course I did. But with every new move the child-like role became ingrained in how I saw her.

When she first stepped off the escalator, I knew something had changed within her. Not just in the way she carried herself, but with how she seemed to be comfortable with who she was. For so long, I had seen her lose little by little the woman she was when she first came into my life. The vibrant woman had become lost in the role of a child.

I didn't expect the scent of her would have me wanting to purr like a cat being stroked for hours on end. I didn't expect to feel that same rush as I did the first time we had met, wanting to scoop her up and run with her… to hide away with her for days on end, ravishing her as the woman I knew she was. And truthfully I should have, but I allowed once more for the idea to brew that what we were to one another was wrong; falling back instead into the role of caretaker not partner.

"You sure took your time." She chuckled sadly.

With those three words, I knew I'd done more damage than I ever thought. The sadness in her tone only solidified the true pain she was in. I was sure, if I could see her face, she would look devastated. We had all had a hand in this broken woman before me, but mine was the hardest. I had done the most damage.

"I'm sorry." The words felt empty even as I said them.

"I'm sure you are. One thing that has always rung true for you, Carlisle, is that you never say anything that you don't mean. Compassion is a beautiful, terrifying thing." She continued to look out into the water that stretched out as far as our eyes could see.

Taking a seat beside her, I wanted to touch her, pull her close and hold her closer. It was times like this that I would have done anything for Edwards gift, except she knew how to block her mind from him. She knew how to block all the gifts in our family, and it made us all envious of her ability to do so.

"You know what hurts the most? While I was away, I did a little research. There is a medical condition that causes people to look like a child no matter what their age is. Who knew there was such a thing? Except I'm positive you did." She snorted and I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

I did know there was genetic condition where patients had what seemed like a Peter Pan like appearance. No matter how old they grew, they were perpetually childlike in appearance. There was no doubt, when she was a child, that Bella would have been seen as a deformity, shunned from all society… and we had done the same in a sense. By forcing her to be someone she wasn't, simply because she appeared that way, we had been no better than what she had grown up with.

"My friends in Brazil taught me many things while I was with them. They taught me to accept what I can't change, and change what I can. They taught me that no matter what others think, I'm worth the effort, the care of others. I'm even worthy of love."

I nodded, knowing that so much had happened to her in her long life.

"You must know we love you Bella." I caved to the need to touch her, taking her hand and lightly squeezing it.

"That's not what I meant Carlisle and you know it." She took her hand back and I felt lost with not having her hand in mine. "The thing is, I don't want to go back to how everything used to be. I refuse to. Having to sit there and watch as you go out with those women; no. I'm not doing that ever again."

Slowly I watched as she stood, taking her in once more. I couldn't help but think that maybe it was too late. The way she held herself, the confidence and the assurance she had for who she was; I couldn't stop but admire this seemingly new version of her.

"What did you do while I was gone, Carlisle? Did you continue with the charade of dating women to make the family look good in order to uphold the image of a good father and doctor?" she asked.

"I don't want to lie to you. Yes, I continued to date just as the others continued going to school, and Esme continued to care for the house. Did I enjoy knowing that you had left? No, I hated it. I didn't like not knowing why you needed to be gone, or where you had gone. I wanted to find you so many times, and follow what I felt until I did find you. You asked me to stay away, you said it was only for a little while." I couldn't help but feel anger towards her so suddenly.

"And just think, what you've felt for the last few months; I've had to deal with that same frustration, anger, resentment and loneliness for all these years. It's not so much fun when it's you having to feel that." And just like that all the energy I had running through me was gone again.

"Will you answer my questions? I need to know what to do to fix this. If we can fix this." I sighed, hating not knowing what to do to make this right. I'd always felt wrong for how we lived, but I had no clue how we could have done this otherwise. I allowed other people to influence me, people who I both knew and didn't know.

"When you were gone, where were you? Were you safe?" I couldn't help it as the words blurted out, and I probably would have continued with thousands more if she hadn't stopped me before I really began to ask my questions and voice my fears. I didn't realise she had even crouched down beside me again.

"There is a coven who live deep within the forests of Brazil. I've known them since before I met you; it was they, who taught me how to work my gift. I stayed with them. And yes I was safe, Zafrina is the queen of her domain, and no man would survive her rule." She smiled somewhat while she stood back up.

Taking back her hand, I felt the energy jolt between us once more. A feeling that I had constantly pushed aside all this time. Having not felt it for such a long time had taught me far more than the words I'd spoken to Eleazar.

"is this okay?" I asked as she stared down at our hands. With a small nod, I felt a little relieved that she wasn't pulling away.

"What made you decide to leave? You never spoke about wanting to leave before." Looking down at her I saw her shoulders drop and the look of pure pain settled on her face, and I was sure I wouldn't want to hear her answer.

"I watched as every one of us were able to feel love, to love who they wanted and know it wasn't for nothing. Even you, as you dated those women, were able to choose who you could be with. Do you know how many murders I would have committed if I didn't hold you in such high regard? Why I never let Alice, Edward, or Jasper's gifts work on me? I have plotted so many deaths, have felt so much pain, and screamed so much that my vocal cords would have been damaged even as a vampire if I had let it out loud." Pulling her closer, with every word she whispered, I knew there was more.

"I didn't do it just because I could do it, or for privacy. I did it to save them the same thoughts, visions or feelings. Why should they go through my pain when they needed? At the time I'd had enough of the pain, knowing that nothing I could do would take it away. I needed to find myself once more before I could move on with the future." Holding her close, I felt her body shudder with suppressed pain.

"And now?" I asked after a while.

Slowly she turned in my arms. As she looked up at me I saw so much that I wanted to lose myself in the future I saw there.

"Now it depends on you. If you want to continue as we have before, then I'm leaving. I'll phone you so we could organise to meet up before the pain becomes too painful, but I will never go back to being a little girl. I want the one thing I have wanted for all this time. I want my mate. I want happiness. I want true love and to love in return. It's what I've always wanted. It's what we had started before others had shunned the idea simply because of how I look." If she could cry I'm sure she would be as she spoke of so much.

"It would mean leaving the family for a while, for us to get to know one another anew. I won't have our life dictated by _what if's_ or the thoughts of others," I whispered as I cupped her face, this moment feeling more intimate than any other time, with any other woman in my very long life.

"I know just where we can go." She smiled as I bent down, my lips softly brushing hers.

For the first time, I felt like I was home.


End file.
